


Homesick

by Doorway



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Emil being Emil, Gen, Hallucinations, Meltdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 12:30:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6153826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doorway/pseuds/Doorway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During a late scouting mission Lalli begins to get a little confused...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Homesick

He had reached the end.

Scouting road after road, running silently in the shadows of gigantic buildings, checking house after house for grosslings, his attention completely focused on every minute detail, his eyes and mind tools honed to perfection to satisfy the demands of the team, until he stepped among the last buildings: the edges of the infected city.

After that: large, clear areas with grass and snow, abandoned farmlands in the distance along with the occasional overgrown forest.

The end. He could return.

*****

“This and that and that and that roads aren’t safe. These and these buildings look like they could collapse at any time. There is a nest in this weird thing in the middle of the crossection here. This and this roads are barricaded. The ground is unstable here and here. Then here it is the end of the city. The end.”

He waited for a few seconds to see if Tuuri had any more questions and then went straight to bed, the noise of their loud captain and Tuuri’s chattering eventually getting buried by the haze of sleep.

He awoke by Emil patting his shoulder softly with Lalli’s uniform in one hand and an apologetic smile on his face. By the light coming through the front window, it was obvious only a couple of hours had passed.

Lalli wanted to sigh, but found he didn’t really have the energy to do it. It would be pointless anyway, it wouldn’t help him escape another exhausting mission. He silently prepared himself, and then off he went with Emil and Sigrun: walking silently among trolls, entering decrepit buildings, checking the shadows in the corners for anything darker and more dangerous while the other two milled around aimlessly, poking stuff, talking and generally being their ungainly selves.

He just had to endure a few more hours… Then it would be over…

He was already daydreaming about his little nook next to Emil’s bed. It was more cramped than the space under his bed back at home (well, under someone else’s bed now, he supposed) but right now he didn’t mind. It was covered. It offered as much seclusion from everyone else as possible, hidden as it was. It drowned the sounds of their relentless chattering. It felt safe.

Plus, Lalli had noticed that Emil was around sometimes while he was sleeping. Like he was keeping watch or something.

At first it had bothered Lalli. There really was no point for Emil to be hanging around and he wanted to be left alone. After a while, he stopped minding it: Emil never troubled him in any way, didn’t make any noise and he seemed more or less simply attentive to Lalli’s needs. Then, eventually, he began to find Emil’s presence somewhat reassuring. In a strange, unexpected way he felt calmer, more centered when Emil was around.

The same applied here, in the ruins of the silent world. Sigrun was insufferable; he wouldn’t be able to bear it was he forced to work with her alone (he was relieved she didn’t seem to think him appropriate company, either) but with Emil around he felt more at ease. He was more attentive than Tuuri, and Lalli never had to pay attention to the actual words that came out of his mouth. He always made sure Lalli didn’t fall behind, that he was feeling all right, that he wasn’t in danger.

True, he wasn’t skilled and had a tendency to panic, but Lalli found that his calming aura was more effective than the reassurance a seasoned soldier would offer.

They walked together back to their car thing after hours _and hours_ of thankfully uneventful looting, and Lalli’s thoughts turned completely to his thin mattress under Tuuri’s bed. He endured the horrible cleansing process, managed to get a small serving of Mikkel’s broth in his stomach and crawled gratefully underneath the bed.

He had to admit: safe under the bed and about to sleep, the whole thing wasn’t as terrible as it had felt some time ago. He was getting used to it.

*****

He was awoken again, this time by an apologetic Tuuri. It was evening; their car had reached the outskirts of the city he had seen by himself the previous night. It was time for his night shift, and now he had to explore these outskirts thoroughly.

An easy mission.

He felt completely confident about it: the buildings were large and sparsely built, full of old world wealth and the promise of books. Wealthy buildings meant few people living inside them and even fewer corpses. Sparse buildings meant a smaller population, less trolls lurking around. Of course, the buildings themselves were well-built and were accompanied by a higher possibility of containing a nest, but nests were unmoving and tomorrow’s problem. For him, tonight, scouting would be easier and safer.

Even better: at the very end of the outskirts there existed a small forested area; in the middle of it, some large buildings that had never been used as houses. The smallest of them contained countless books. Before even setting eyes on that place, Lalli was sure it would be the safest and least demanding part of his trip. Apart from trolls being very unlikely to be found there, he also had the most experience scouting forests around Keuruu instead of infected cities.

A _really_ easy mission.

He prepared himself with unusual eagerness, despite the exhaustion seeping into his bones. Tuuri commented that he looked really tired but he didn’t take any notice of her words. On the contrary, he felt elated, with a sort of something moving inside his chest, like a caged bird fluttering half-heartedly in an attempt to escape. He wondered, dimly, if he was getting sick, but he immediately removed the thought from his mind. He had a job to do: letting your emotions mess with you and your mind to wander during a mission was probably the worst mistake a soldier could do.

*****

The large buildings were indeed mostly empty and safe (apart from a couple brimming with trolls, their anguished spirits standing out from a distance). The roads were clear, easy for their car-thing to make way. There would be plenty of options for the team tomorrow.

If Lalli had to be honest, part of him would admit that he was really thankful for tonight’s mission being so undemanding; he was starting to feel lightheaded and almost tripped a couple of times before catching himself. He was glad he left the easiest part of his route for the end.

The familiar scent of trees and wet earth hit him long before he could set foot in the woods.

The dirt road leading to the buildings in the center was punctuated by trees growing right in the middle of it, as if basking in the humans’ absence, simultaneously making it impossible for their car thing to proceed. Everyone would have to cross the forest on foot if they wanted to reach the buildings. Lalli wondered if walking so much would be an issue for the team, if Sigrun was likely to decide they needed to be able to retreat much faster and choose another looting location; then he became confused as to why he cared. It wasn’t his place to worry about decisions, he just had to scout. He strayed from the ruined road and ventured deeper into the woods.

The trees were dense enough to half-obscure the moon, but not so dense as to provide cover during winter. No nests to be found here; although beasts and a few trolls might still be lingering around, looking for an easy prey. He had to scan the dark forest with his glowing eyes, listen very carefully to decipher any sound standing out from the lulling rumble of the wind, open his consciousness to the vast realm of the spirits to detect the slightest wisp of a tortured soul. The shadows seemed to play tricks on his mind, sometimes taking the form of misshapen creatures then dissolving into mere darkness when he peered more carefully. He rubbed his eyes; such things wouldn’t do. He could tell the woods weren’t particularly dangerous; he had yet to spot a single grossling. Everything seemed to be safe; it should also be safe tomorrow. Of course, he’d have to come as well; an unexpected beast was always a possibility, and trees obscured everyone’s vision but his own. It would be a pointless risk for Emil and Sigrun to venture here alone without him. Besides, this place was familiar to him. He had done the same route so many times in the past, just never got this far.

It would explain the fatigue; he had never walked so much before. He still wanted to participate in tomorrow’s mission though: he was curious to see what this part of the forest looked like by day. He had thought of exploring a bit more on some nights when he hadn’t been too tired, but always dismissed it as too dangerous. Tomorrow, however, he wouldn’t be alone, and there would be daylight. It was a sensible idea.

Lalli felt uncharacteristically calm and content. As if he had just woken up from a nightmare. Everything was all right. He found himself not even minding the hectic hours he had been working lately, nor the lack of sleep. How could he, when he knew that back home his mattress awaited him, safe under the bed? The walls were made of thick wood, obscuring all noises from the outside world, making his sleeping hours silent and uneventful. Plus he didn’t have to share his room with anyone. Not even with Emil.

Just a little more of tonight’s shift, and then he would be asleep under his own bed. He hadn’t even realized he missed it this much! He just had to be a bit patient, and then several hours of sleep awaited him in a stationary room, surrounded by strong fortifications and countless experienced guards.

However, the thing that added the most comfort and the strongest sense of security to Lalli’s life wasn’t strong walls or seasoned fellow soldiers; it was the routine of everyday life, the reliability that tomorrow would be like today. People were unpredictable and tiring, but having a stable daily routine was what really helped him feel at ease and kept him going. He craved the peace monotony offered him. Work, sleep, eat. Repeat.

The noise of the dining area was of course annoying, but he had gotten used to it after so many years. He’d have to avoid Tuuri though, lest she’d ask him to participate in something stupid. Simply stick around Onni; _he_ would oppose any weird ideas of Tuuri. That would work.

Relieved and satisfied, he sped up his pace, eager to return home. A part of him was surprised at his elated mentality; he was always centered during a good scouting mission but tonight he felt a relief he could not explain. He had best to bury his feelings for now and focus on the job at hand.

The night was a particularly quiet one. He glanced above the tree tops a few times, looking for the torches dotting the top of Keuruu’s walls, but it appeared they were off tonight. The fort wanted to stay completely unnoticed. Maybe there _was_ some dangerous grossling out here, something big enough to pose a threat to a fort? Maybe another scout before him had alerted them of its presence?

The thought that someone else had done his job before him disgruntled him deeply. He couldn’t make out any human tracks on yesterday’s snow though, nor had he noticed any before. He must have been the only one to come this far out.

It seemed that whatever caused Keuruu to hide wasn’t here right now anyway. Content of having checked the place thoroughly, he slowly made his way back, daydreaming of the cozy nook beneath the bed and the familiarly scented blanked wrapped around him. He still kept his eyes open for any unexpected grossling activity, just in case, and kept looking for the familiar turn in the path as well: that narrow trail between a boulder and a huge tree, the turn that signaled the end of the silent world and the welcoming gate of Keuruu.

He felt somewhat unsettled when this familiar spot failed to appear no matter how careful he was in retracing his steps. Was he lost? No. He was sure he had passed through _here,_ just… Where was the fort? Had he truly gone too far? Was _this_ the reason he couldn’t spot the torches?

Then an abandoned city came into view, along with their car-thing and the first rays of sunlight.

Lalli stood rooted to the spot for a few minutes, confused. For a while, a dozen scenarios were racing through his mind; him having crossed Keuruu’s forest to the other side by mistake, or the team finally returning home, or countless different possibilities, before his tired mind gave up and he just walked up to the car.

*****

Tuuri commented on him looking more lost than usual and asked if he was feeling alright. Lalli wasn’t sure how he felt; it was as if his insides were in turmoil. He wanted to talk to Onni but had a nagging feeling it wouldn’t be possible right now.

He could see Tuuri and Sigrun looking at him with uncertain faces, despite him giving them a detailed description of the night’s trip. He didn’t understand. He had done his job perfectly. Yes, he did feel weird but that didn’t affect the quality of his work: tonight’s trip had even been a pleasant one. He had felt calmer and more at peace than he remembered feeling in a _long_ time. True, it did feel as if something was off now… And he wasn’t sure what exactly was happening, but when was he ever when Tuuri was involved? Lalli was more or less sure that the nagging sensation would disappear as soon as he set foot in the forest of Keuruu again, so when Sigrun proposed they loot the buildings inside the woods for the day’s mission he insisted on participating, despite Tuuri’s protests.

For now, he just walked up to his little nook in the cramped room, stared at it for a few seconds in confusion and then burrowed inside, doing his best to ignore the fact that Emil was looking at him persistently. He just wanted to sleep for a bit.

*****

He woke a couple of hours later to face the interior of the sickening car and the endless noise of five others.

For a while Lalli lay immobile, his mind blank. Then he shut his eyes tight, wanting to howl.

Had he _really_ thought he was back in Keuruu? How could he have been so stupid?!

He didn’t even _want_ to participate in today’s mission any more, nor get into those treacherous woods again, but Tuuri glared at him, commented on his tantrum and shoved him his uniform and there was no objecting her. He wanted to stay out of it, let himself calm down. His guts were coiling and uncoiling in an unpleasant manner; he felt like curling up to a ball and never moving again.

When he heard Sigrun calling his name he just got up and followed her outside.

Emil smiled at him and said something pointless. Annoying. Everything felt annoying to Lalli right now. He glowered at Emil, signaling to be left alone and stepped forward, as to be further away from those two.

They followed him, chattering happily at first, but after a while Sigrun motioned them to stop and wait for her while she went on ahead, and he was left with Emil’s company, who started speaking his gibberish again with a goofy smile. Lalli really wished he could speak Swedish right now, just to tell Emil to shut up and leave him alone, since glares and hisses were obviously not working.

The woods were painfully peaceful and bright; the sunrays softly lighting the ground, birds chirping without a worry in the world, the snow fresh with no menacing tracks, and Lalli was _seething_. There was a burning knot at his throat as he watched Emil, a smile on his face, trace with gloved fingers a particularly brightly lit branch above his head, then ask a meaningless question in a soft voice.

Lalli’s vision went blurry.

For a moment, he didn’t notice it. Then he _did_ and started panicking; his eyesight was supposed to be acute, _perfect!_ What was wrong? Was this some sort of illness? Was he sick?

He quickly turned around and rubbed his eyes; his eyesight cleared for a second, then immediately became two times worse. Lalli could feel his cheeks getting wet and he couldn’t stop the flow, nor prevent the burning knot in his throat from transforming into a small sob.

“Lalli?”

Emil’s hesitant touch on his shoulder. A violent shake traversed him from head to foot, as if Emil’s touch had crushed some internal shield that had been keeping Lalli together. Lalli really hated him for that right now and collapsed to his knees, a trembling mess, his vision completely melted to blurred colors and shadows. He did his best to mute any noise that came out of his mouth, he covered his face and just wished that everyone and everything would disappear and leave him alone.

Yet he wasn’t even allowed a little solitude as Emil walked around and in front of him, crouched down to his level and put both hands on his shoulders while asking questions Lalli couldn’t understand and couldn’t answer. Extremely upset, he lowered his hands to stare at Emil, desperately willing him to go away, to give Lalli privacy in his time of weakness, to stop trying to help and understand when there was nothing to be done that could help–

Emil put his arms around Lalli’s torso and squeezed him against his chest.

Lalli almost choked on a sob and started hissing, the flow of tears from his eyes now incessant, the trembling so great he couldn’t even punch Emil properly. He wanted to go away. He desperately wanted to wake up from a bad dream, go talk to Tuuri, go talk to Onni, go talk to anyone who would understand and be able to help.

Emil squeezed tighter.

Even if he could make Emil understand, would he be able to convince Sigrun to take them back home? He wouldn’t. They were stuck here. Emil probably didn’t even care, he was weird and he possibly actually liked it.

A loud sob escaped from Lalli’s lips and Emil began rocking him back and forth on the spot, gently. It was a distracting motion, and Lalli found himself confused and dazed for a second before the trembling returned.

He hated this. He hated needing another’s mercy. He had a job to do. He was supposed to be scouting. Any number of dangerous grosslings could be sneaking up to them during the time he spent sniveling with his vision blurred. He tried to get up, _really_ put all his force into it, but Emil was stronger and heavier and didn’t let him move from the spot.

At that point Lalli really felt as if he was at his very edge, and then something inside him melted away. He was too tired to fight, too lost to make any decisions, too upset to hold himself any more. His body relaxed in Emi’s grip despite himself, and he slowly found himself concentrating on the firm pressure around his torso, the comforting warmth of another’s body, the gentle stream of soothing words coming out of Emil’s mouth.

Slowly but surely, his muffled sobs quieted down, the trembling stilled. He just sat there, his weight supported by Emil, the birdsong soft to his ears, the sunlight burning orange behind his closed eyelids. He took deeper breaths and found his mind emptying, clearing; he knew he was about to fall asleep from exhaustion, and didn’t care at this point.

Sigrun’s surprised voice from a few steps away interrupted his trance, but he was too far gone to rouse himself by now. He thought he heard Emil speak rapidly but quietly in Swedish, then he felt himself being gently pulled up on another’s back, then they were moving.

The wind was soothing on his brow and he could smell Emil’s hair right next to his face. He suspected that if he stayed awake, the trip back to the car would become nauseating, so he didn’t try to fight sleep. He just relaxed and savored the moment of being taken care of, since it seemed Emil _could_ understand him, and he felt safe; he had someone to rely on day after day. Wasn’t feeling safe the most important thing about being at home, after all?

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the transition between reality and hallucinations was smooth and confusing enough :P  
> I hope you liked it, fellow SSSS fans! If so, I have another fanfic in the works, a Mikkel & Sigrun one, hopefully I'll finish it soon!


End file.
